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  In spite of his frequent misbehavior, Ms. Ashworth was rarely annoyed with Keith, and Sebastian could only guess that this was because she liked these athletic “all boy” kind of boys best, which made him feel unworthy because he knew very well that he wasn’t an “all boy” kind of boy. He didn’t even feel a third of a boy. In fact, sometimes he worried that the only thing which made him a boy at all was that he urinated standing up and not sitting down like girls.

  When the school day ended at exactly three fifteen in the afternoon, Ms. Ashworth instructed her students to tidy up their desks, and then she made a big show out of dismissing the current student of the month. This month the honor had been awarded to Melanie Tanako, a quiet Japanese girl who’d taught the class how to make origami animals. Aside from receiving a McDonald’s gift certificate, the honoree was always the first student allowed to go home at the end of the day. It was only after the student of the month was out the door, that Ms. Ashworth excused the remaining students according to rows and, being exceedingly fair about these things, she took care to alternate between the front and back rows which meant that Keith, who sat in the front row, was either among the first or the last to leave the classroom.

  This mattered very much to Sebastian because he knew that Keith was a fundamentally lazy bully. While he enjoyed picking on the weak, he wouldn’t go out of his way to do it, especially if it meant crossing the street or walking an additional block to get home. What’s more, Keith wasn’t likely to cause too much trouble unless others were watching, and if there were any girls in the group and one of the girls happened to be Kelly Taylor, then Keith would be especially clever in his cruelty.

  Kelly wore thick glasses and her dirty blond hair was usually arranged in disheveled cockeyed pigtails, but she could run as swiftly as any boy, and was almost able to catch Keith who was the fastest boy in class. She wasn’t especially pretty, but there was no denying the allure of her raspy voice. And the way she smacked her chewing gum, and stood with her hand on her hip and one foot flaring out at a right angle, was strangely irresistible. Every boy in class was in love with Kelly Taylor, and if the perturbed flutter Sebastian felt in his stomach whenever he looked at Kelly was any indication, then he probably was too.

  On this day, Keith’s row was the first to be excused which meant there would definitely be another encounter after school. Sebastian gazed up at Ms. Ashworth, wondering if he should tell her what was happening with her “all boy” boy after school.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked when she noticed him staring at her.

  He shook his head and then quickly looked away. Sebastian didn’t want to admit that aside from being a physical weakling, he was an emotional one as well. He didn’t want to confront the possibility that maybe there was no boy in him at all, and he couldn’t bear the thought that Ms. Ashworth who was as “all woman” as any woman could be, should know this about him.

  Keith caught up with Sebastian at the far end of the school yard where it was difficult for the yard monitors to see what was going on. “Hey you,” he said, and every muscle in Sebastian’s body tensed up. He turned to see Keith with his usual group in tow, and Kelly Taylor among them. Now that the school day was done, she’d pulled her pigtails out so that her scraggly blond hair was loose about her shoulders.

  “Yes you,” Keith said, as an easy grin stretched across his freckled face. He seemed so jovial, so full of fun and good natured hi jinks that sometimes Sebastian was tempted to smile back, but he never did.

  “I’ve decided that today I’d like to see you dance like a monkey,” Keith said, while placing a finger on the crown of Sebastian’s dark head.

  “Oh my God, why a monkey?” Kelly asked.

  “Last night I saw an old movie about a monkey that danced around while this guy turned the handle of his music box, and the monkey made me think of little Sebastian here.”

  Hearing this, some of Keith’s friends started making monkey sounds and jumping around, but this didn’t satisfy Keith. He wanted to see Sebastian dance and nobody else would do.

  Sebastian’s mouth felt dry and he swallowed hard. So far he’d been directed to bark like a dog, moo like a cow, and make all manner of barnyard animal noises. There was one time that Keith nearly fell to the ground in a fit of laughter when Sebastian managed to make a squealing noise that sounded like a pig being slaughtered. “I want to feel your pain,” Keith had said, as he gasped and howled in a much more dramatic fashion than Sebastian’s half hearted squeal. But despite his previous successes, Sebastian didn’t think he’d be able to dance like a monkey, so he just stood there looking forlorn.

  “He looks like he’s going to cry,” Kelly observed.

  “He won’t cry,” Keith said, although he appeared hopeful.

  One of the other boys said, “If he cries it’ll just prove that he’s a baby.”

  “Hey, maybe you should make him suck his thumb like a baby,” someone else suggested.

  “Nah,” Keith said. “I want to see him dance like a monkey. So what are you waiting for?” he said looking down at Sebastian. “Dance monkey, dance!” he cried, lifting his arms in the air and then everybody did the same. “Dance monkey, dance!” they cried. All except for Kelly who appeared only mildly entertained as she smacked her chewing gum.

  Then they circled Sebastian while waving their arms up in the air as they chanted, and he knew he had no choice but to swallow his dignity again and do what they wanted. The whole thing would end all the sooner if he just got it over with. As a shameful wave of heat rose up from his groin, he lowered his eyes, raised his skinny arms up in the air and began to bob up and down which caused an immediate explosion of cheers from the boys, but Keith cheered the loudest of all. “The monkey can dance dance dance!” he cried jubilantly. “Look at him go go go!”

  Sebastian continued his foolish jerky dance, and all the while pictured himself wearing a little cap and vest, and working his thick monkey lips around in a comical manner. He’d seen an organ grinder with a dancing monkey somewhere too and remembered that at the end of the dance he was supposed to remove his hat and pass it around, but he hoped that Keith had forgotten about this part. Sebastian closed his eyes so that nobody would notice the tears beginning to gather there, but he was unable to stop them even as he moved from side to side like a happy little monkey.

  “Oh shit, there he goes,” Keith said, “It looks like we got ourselves a crying monkey.”

  “You shouldn’t pick on him anymore,” Kelly retorted. “He has a serious heart problem, and he might drop dead if you keep making him do stupid stuff like that.”

  Keith didn’t seem to take Kelly’s warning very seriously, but he gave Sebastian’s head a dismissive little shove and said, “Okay you can stop dancing now, Monkey Boy.”

  Sebastian stopped at once. Hopping in place had winded him considerably, and he would’ve placed his hand over his heart as he usually did when he was overexerted, but didn’t want to appear as though he were soliciting sympathy.

  Keith crouched down so they were nose to nose and said, “Listen to me and listen good. Next time Ms. Ashworth asks you to clean the white board, I want you to tell her that you don’t want to anymore.”

  Sebastian stared at him, but said nothing.

  “Did you hear me?” Keith said, narrowing his yellow eyes in a menacing manner.

  “Yes, but Ms. Ashworth likes it when I clean the whiteboard,” he replied in a small voice.

  “Okay have it your way,” Keith said and he straightened up and cried anew, “Dance monkey dance!” and the others did the same.

  Sebastian hung his head and tried to control his emotions. Shedding a few tears was one thing, but breaking down in uncontrollable sobs was unthinkable. “Okay, I won’t clean the whiteboard anymore,” he muttered.

  Keith held his hand up for silence, and everyone quieted down. “What was that? I didn’t hear you, Monkey Boy.”

  “I won’t clean the white board anymore,” Sebastian repea
ted.

  “Did everyone hear that?” Keith said. “Monkey Boy isn’t going to clean the white board anymore.” More than satisfied, he then turned away, and strutted off with his shoulders pushed back and his head held high. Kelly appraised Sebastian for a moment or two, looking faintly disappointed, as though the flavor had faded from her chewing gum. Then she turned away as well and quickly caught up to Keith. They walked across the playground side by side as the rest of the kids trailed behind.

  Alone again, Sebastian wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. His chest was rattling so he waited a moment or two for the feeling to pass, took up his book bag, and began the short walk to Bungalow Haven where his grandmother lived, and where he went every day after school. Just thinking about his grandmother caused a wave of relief and anticipation to wash over him. He started to tear up again, but he was grateful that at least this time no one was watching.

  Chapter Two

  Because of his bad heart, Sebastian frequently missed school to attend his medical appointments. He much preferred afternoon appointments as this meant he wouldn’t have to worry about any unpleasant encounters with Keith after school. Unfortunately, this also meant he might miss out on spending time with his grandmother. On this day he was lucky because his appointment was early enough that his mother would drop him off at Bungalow Haven on her way back to work, but late enough that there would be no point having him return to school.

  As they drove to the doctor’s office, Sebastian thought about what awaited him. He didn’t mind his cardiology appointments so much because they didn’t usually require blood tests or any other procedure involving needles or sharp instruments. Sometimes the only thing Dr. Lim did was place his stethoscope smack in the middle of Sebastian’s chest and listen as though what he heard was the most exquisite music imaginable.

  Sebastian liked Dr. Lim. He was a mild mannered, soft spoken man who didn’t waste time with unnecessary chatter. He was also patient with Sebastian’s mother who always had plenty to say about how her son was doing, and how little he was growing. Sebastian hoped that she wouldn’t bring the subject up again because the last time she did it resulted in several blood tests to confirm that his hormone levels were within the normal range. He leaned forward from the back seat just as they pulled into the parking lot to remind his mother that his hormone levels were just fine last time they checked, and that they were probably still just fine, but she didn’t respond.

  She was always silent before they went to see Dr. Lim, and Sebastian knew what she dreaded hearing most. She often tried to change the subject and steer the conversation in another direction. Just when it seemed that she had succeeded and they had one foot out the door, Dr. Lim would clear his throat, adjust his glasses and say, “I think that soon Sebastian will be strong enough to undergo another surgery.” She usually muttered something unintelligible, and ushered Sebastian out of the office as quickly as she could.

  While searching for a parking space, Sebastian’s mother tossed a chocolate bar over the back seat for him, and had one herself. She nearly finished hers before Sebastian managed to get the wrapper off of his, and as he nibbled, he studied her profile from the back seat. She still had a pretty face with lovely dark eyes and a nice smile, but the fleshy pad beneath her chin was getting thicker, and she didn’t smile as much as she used to. Sebastian was unable to eat all of his candy bar, so he gave his mother what was left and she finished it as they made their way across the parking lot toward the cardiac clinic.

  A grim shadow moved across Dr. Lim’s face as he studied Sebastian’s chart. “Sebastian isn’t gaining weight. It’s been almost six months since we’ve seen an increase.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “The scale doesn’t lie, Mrs. Bennett.”

  “I encourage him to eat. In fact he often has two dinners. One with his grandmother after school, and then another when he gets home in the evening.”

  Dr. Lim blinked rapidly as he assimilated this information, then he turned to Sebastian. “How about lunch? Do you eat lunch?”

  “I have a lunch card,” he replied.

  Sebastian’s mother stepped forward. “They watch him to make sure he eats at least two thirds of everything on his plate Doctor. I arrange for that at the start of every year.”

  “Are you eating most of your lunch young man?”

  Sebastian nodded halfheartedly as he thought about how easy it was to give his food away or for Keith to take it from him when the lunch ladies weren’t looking. It seemed that Keith was always hungry.

  “What about breakfast?” Dr. Lim asked.

  “I have cereal most of the time,” Sebastian replied more confidently. “Or a frozen breakfast burrito. It only takes a minute and a half in the microwave.”

  Dr. Lim nodded soberly, before turning back to the mother. “I want Sebastian to see a nutritionist again.”

  Sebastian’s mother was unable to hide her annoyance. “I have to be honest with you Doctor. Sebastian didn’t like any of the suggestions the nutritionist made last time we saw her, and they weren’t very realistic for a working mother.”

  Dr Lim took a moment to gather his thoughts. On several occasions he’d told her privately that if something more wasn’t done, it was only a matter of time until Sebastian went into congestive heart failure. She usually responded by saying that she and her husband had discussed it and thought it best to wait a little longer.

  He began to scribble in Sebastian’s chart. “If your son were eating better, he’d be gaining more weight. I’m concerned that before too long, he may start losing weight, and we’ll have to continue postponing the surgery.”

  Sebastian’s mother crossed her arms over her chest as she digested Dr. Lim’s assessment. Of course, she wanted her son to gain weight and grow stronger, but whenever the subject of another surgery came up she was seized by memories of her newborn baby clinging to life in the hospital. His tiny chest slashed from top to bottom, with a tangle of tubes and wires sticking out of him. She’d never forget how the stitches pulled against his tender skin every time he took a breath. When the surgeon told her they’d failed to completely repair his heart during the first operation and that they’d have to open him up again, she couldn’t believe her ears. As far she was concerned they were asking her for permission to kill him, and she flatly refused. But Dean and the rest of the family were relentless. They insisted that if Sebastian didn’t have another surgery, he would surely die. They eventually wore her down, and she agreed, but the second surgery resulted in even more complications than the first.

  She could never completely rely on anyone else after that. She trusted only her instincts, her knowing, and no amount of sensible talk about good outcomes and advances in medicine could silence her fears.

  “I’d like to talk this matter over with Dr. Gower,” she finally muttered. Dr. Gower was Sebastian’s endocrinologist.

  “That’s fine, Mrs. Bennett, I’m sure that Dr. Gower will want to order some additional tests as well. We can get started today if you like.”

  “Yes, that’s a good idea,” she replied with a curt nod.

  As Dr. Lim called in the order, Sebastian realized he would have to face the needle yet again, and he flashed his mother a contemptuous look, but she was too caught up in her own thoughts to notice. He then turned to Dr. Lim who’d just hung up the phone. “If I grow more, will I be able to play soccer?”

  “Now Sebastian,” his mother said, chuckling nervously. “Nobody said anything about playing soccer.”

  Dr. Lim sat down before his small patient so they were face to face. “If you grow and put on weight, it will increase your overall strength, but I’m afraid you still won’t be able to play soccer with the other kids.”

  “What do I have to do to play soccer?”

  “You’d need another surgery,” Dr. Lim replied.

  “Would you cut my chest open again?”

  Dr. Lim nodded.

  “Along the scar I already have?”


  He nodded again.

  “And then what?” Sebastian asked.

  Dr. Lim glanced up at his patient’s mother who was red faced, and clearly upset about the direction the conversation was taking, but he continued anyway. “I’d make several incisions inside your heart, and suture together the pieces that are still not working quite right. If all goes well, then you’ll be much stronger, and you won’t get as tired as you do now.”

  Hearing Dr. Lim inspired Sebastian, and he envisioned himself playing soccer with the other kids, running and jumping and falling on his elbows and knees, valiantly accepting whatever wounds this frolicking carefree lifestyle awarded him. He and Kelly Taylor would compare bruises and then they’d laugh, and race each other to the other side of the playground.

  “And if all doesn’t go well, then what?” Sebastian’s mother asked.

  Dr. Lim cleared his throat, but seemed reluctant to speak as candidly as he had a moment ago.

  “Go ahead and tell him Doctor, he might as well know,” she added in a challenging tone, as she’d long ago lost the habit of speaking reverentially to physicians.

  Dr. Lim cleared his throat. “There are always risks involved with surgical procedures such as these.”

  “You mean I could die?” Sebastian asked.

  “Well, I would do everything in my power to make sure that didn’t happen, but there is a possibility that your heart won’t improve, or that it will be even weaker than it is now.”

  Sebastian glanced up at his mother, and when he saw the cold fear in her eyes, the hopefulness he’d felt just a moment ago vanished and he began to shiver. He tried to focus on Dr. Lim who was scribbling away in his chart, his face calm and serene as always. Surely Dr. Lim knew more about these things than his mother did. After all, he’d gone to medical school for many years to become a doctor and his mother sold houses for a living, and lately, she hadn’t been selling very many. Still, Sebastian couldn’t deny that there was something about her as vibrant and powerful as a bolt of lightning that could outshine a hundred thousand medical degrees. She was his mother, the woman who’d given him life, and what she knew transcended science and statistics and even commonsense.